Date Night 2: Hatebanging for Dummies
by silver ruffian
Summary: The Prophet Chuck explains exactly how Adam Milligan and Sam's soul escaped from the Pit when Mike and Dark Phoenix came calling. This is the sequel to Date Night, in which Raphael and Gabriel attempt an intervention on Michael's behalf.


_**A/N**_: Well, the long national nightmare is over. I can post again.

**Possible Spoilers:** The entire angel arc, mainly Michael, Zachariah, and Castiel's interactions with Dean.

_**Summary:**_ The Prophet Chuck explains exactly how Adam Milligan and Sam's soul escaped from the Pit when Mike and Dark Phoenix came calling. This is the sequel to _Date Night_, in which Raphael and Gabriel attempt an intervention on Michael's behalf.

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><p>Hi, I'm Chuck Shurley.<p>

Uh, the Prophet Chuck?

Yeah, _that_ Chuck. Gee, how quickly they forget.

There seems to be some confusion about what happened down in the Pit that day. Michael asked me to tell what happened. What the heck. Things have been kinda slow lately, what with me getting my heavenly reward and all, so I'm only to happy to oblige. Before this I could see only the things that happened in my 'verse. Now? Talk about expanded consciousness? I see _everything_ now, on _every_ plane of existence.

I know some of you are wondering exactly how the Archangel Michael and Dark Phoenix met. I've been asked not to reveal that part, so don't ask. Believe me, there's nothing worse than a pissed off archangel and a ticked off cosmic goddess. Well, maybe two enraged archangels trapped in the Pit with an innocent soul. Yeah, I guess that would qualify.

All I can say is this story isn't what you'd expect, so don't shoot the messenger, okay?

I'm not making this stuff up.

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><p>They heard the sounds of laughter and screaming as they came into the Pit. Dark Phoenix hugged Michael's left arm to her side. MichaelDean leaned into her touch.

"Babe," she said softly, "Why's that Michael wearing a boy?"

"Because he's a loser?"

"I knew that. I just love to hear you say it."

"Sonofabitch," Michael/Dean snarled, "I've seen enough." He gestured, and the soul of Sam Winchester was suddenly transported into his hands. The white light of the soul flared up in a panic as it believed still another tormentor had found it. Healing blue energy from the black clad archangel's hands flowed into the sphere, calming it, bringing it peace.

"Hatebanging, Mikey? With_ him_? Seriously?"

The two trapped archangels turned towards the newcomers. Lucifer was a man-shaped flare of dark light. The other Michael was clothed in the form of Adam Milligan.

"Hey give that back! That's my vessel's soul!" Lucifer snapped. The air around him blazed with his anger.

Adam Milligan's eyes flared with golden light. Canon Michael's shadow wings rose up behind him.

Michael/Dean smiled. The black designer suit he wore glowed with power. He unfurled his own wings, blades of celestial gold and blue lightning that easily dwarfed his double's black, smoky wings.

Dark Phoenix smiled as her own fiery Phoenix raptor rose up all around her in all its cosmic glory. "What was that?"

"Um…nothing," Canon Michael grumbled.

"That's better," she purred.

Lucifer smirked. "They pwn'd you."

"They pwn'd you too," Canon Michael hissed at his brother. "Shut uppp."

Michael/Dean glared at the two of them. "Damn, you two are even sorrier in person. Hold this for me, will ya, Jean?"

"Sure. Aww, this little soul has such big puppy dog eyes. That's so cute!"

"Uh, you're not gonna eat it, are you?"

"Now that you mention it, I am feeling a little peckish…no, just kidding. I eat whole suns, remember?"

Michael in Adam strode forward boldly. The effect would have been quite imposing, but the fact of the matter was that his current vessel, Adam Milligan, was anything but physically imposing. "Wait a minute. Are you wearing Dean Winchester?"

"Yep." Michael/Dean smirked. "So let me guess….you couldn't get the big man to say yes, huh?"

"I don't have to explain myself to you."

"Sure you don't, little fella. Total lameness doesn't need an explanation."

"I had it covered." Michael in Adam said stiffly. "Zachariah handled everything for me."

"Yeah, about that. You always depend on others to get your vessels for you?"

"What…what do you mean?"

"Zach was only interested in keeping his reputation intact. He really didn't give a darn about you." Michael/Dean snorted. "Employee of the Year, my ass. And the one time your Dean was ready to say yes, he had to go to some religious fanatics to contact you. What the heck was_ that_ all about?"

"Well, I-"

"As a matter of fact, the only time you got off your feathered rump and actually did anything was when Anna tried to gank young John and Mary Winchester. You stopped her, and after that, what did you do?"

"Um…I let Zachariah handle things."

"I rest my case. So instead of taking up your Sword, Dean Winchester, you went second string."

Lucifer smiled wide and cheerful when he saw his brother's discomfort. Ordinarily he would have been resentful of anyone but himself dicking with Michael , but technically, Michael did this to himself. Besides, it served him right. Big brother needed to be taken down a peg or two.

"How did you get Winchester to say yes?" Lucifer said brightly. It was always good to throw more fuel onto the fire.

"I asked him."

Canon Michael's eyes widened in shock. "You what?"

"I asked him. I kept an eye on him. When he finally said yes, I was right there. Zachariah? I wouldn't have trusted him with used kitty litter."

Lucifer's eyes sparkled with a malicious light. "So you killed your Sam Winchester?"

"Nah. I agreed not to. I'm patient and merciful, remember? I pulled my brother out of the kid and literally beat the hell out of him. Dad seemed to like that better."

Michael in Adam crossed his arms in front of his chest and pouted.

Lucifer leered at Dark Phoenix. "Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?"

The End of All There Is, the Chaos Bringer, the Dark Angel sighed and rolled her eyes. She was becoming bored, which is definitely not a good thing. "Do those lines _ever_ work?"

"Um…no."

"Figures. Why am I _not_ surprised."

Lucifer stared Michael/Dean up and down. "That's a really nice suit."

"Thanks."

"It'd look better in white."

"I figured _you'd _say that, Vanilla Ice. White socks _and_ white loafers. Trè classy."

"Hey! So what's wrong with my white suit?"

"If you have to ask there's no sense in me telling you. I think John Travolta wants his old suit back. Speaking of which," Michael/Dean scowled fiercely at Canon Michael. "You plan on wearing that Adam kid for eternity?"

"I might."

"Oh, I wouldn't bet on it, princess. Here. Lemme help you with that." Michael/Dean raised his right hand, gestured, and suddenly Adam Milligan stood off to the side, separated from the other archangel. Canon Michael was stripped down to his essence, just as Lucifer was.

"You…you separated us? You can't do that! This can't be happening!"

"Oh it's happening all right. This was meant to happen, because otherwise your Dad wouldn't allow it. Here's a lesson for you, dumbass: next time you want to acquire a vessel, Mikey, don't let a suit handle your negotiations. You gotta be proactive."

Michael/Dean's fierce expression softened as he turned to Adam Milligan. "Hey, kid, you okay?"

Adam looked confused. "My head hurts. I want my mom."

"Hold that thought. Hey, Gabe!" Michael/Dean called out. "Get over here."

No answer.

"Dude, you can stop pretending you're not here. Jean and I can see you."

The Archangel Gabriel from our 'verse appeared in a snap of golden light a few feet away. "Crap. Okay, okay! Don't smite me, all right?"

Lucifer frowned. "Where the hell did _he_ come from?"

"Look, bro', I need you to do something for me. This is Adam. He needs to go to Heaven. His Mom's waiting for him."

"Uh…okay."

Sam Winchester's soul vanished from Dark Phoenix' hands, only to re-appear in Gabriel's.

"Then I need you to take this soul and put it back inside that Sam Winchester kid. I've already healed it, he won't remember a thing. You don't even need to put it behind a wall or anything like that. Just put it back in."

Gabriel didn't move.

"Dude. Sometime this year would be _really_ nice."

Gabriel still didn't move. His brother quirked an eyebrow at him. "Well?"

"Uh…I don't wanna leave because you guys are gonna do something biblical." He glanced back and forth nervously. "Something spectacular is gonna happen while I'm gone, and I don't wanna miss it."

"Nothing's gonna happen until you get back. Now go."

"Okay! We're outta here."

Michael shook his head as the three vanished. "Kid brothers. Can't live with 'em, can't live with 'em."

"Uh," Canon Michael said hesitantly. "Can you get us outta here?"

"I could."

"Well?"

"But I'm not."

"What?"

"Hatebanging on that Winchester kid? That was pathetic." Michael/Dean glanced over at the far wall, and a round dining table with three chairs faded into view. The tablecloth was fine linen, the silverware and goblets were expensive, definitely high end, as was the silver bucket filled with ice and a bottle of champagne. The table was set for three. A waiter in a black tuxedo stood patiently by next to two carts filled with covered dishes.

Canon Michael sniffed the air. "Shrimp? Steak?"

Lucifer gawped at the sight. "You're not gonna let us out, but you're gonna _feed_ us?"

"You're dumber than you look. Hell, no." Michael/Dean turned to Dark Phoenix. "I promised you dinner and a show. I keep my promises."

His right hand glowed and was suddenly filled with a bouquet of perfect red roses. He presented them to her with a flourish. "For you, m'lady."

Dark Phoenix smiled.

"Hey, wait a minute—" Canon Michael started forward. He stopped short against an invisible shield just as Dark Phoenix sat down first, then Michael.

The waiter stepped forward with a bottle of champagne. He poured two glasses without spilling a drop. "Should I serve the first course now, sir?"

"No, we'll wait for my brother." Michael/Dean smiled slightly. "I think we have another guest. Hello, Death."

The Death Horseman shimmered into view. He was immaculately dressed, as always, in a well-tailored grey pinstripe suit. "Good evening. Michael. Lady Phoenix. I take it Samuel's soul is gone already? I'd heard rumors you were upset about this."

"Well, it did screw with my reputation across the known 'verses. This wasn't good for my collective image."

Death glanced around the Pit. He nodded slightly at the two archangels who sulked nearby. "Well, we do what we must."

Dark Phoenix smiled at her old friend. "Would you like to stay for dinner?"

Death smiled back. "I didn't know the Restaurant At The End of The Universe does take-out."

Michael/Dean smirked. "For me they do."

"I'm afraid I will have to decline. I don't want to intrude on what looks like a pleasant evening. I have a taste for a bacon sub. There's a wonderful little shop on the West Coast that does them just right. I wonder if my Dean would want one too. Good night, all."

Death vanished just as Gabriel re-appeared. "What'd I miss? _What_?"

"Nothing. Pull up a chair. Take a load off." Gabriel didn't have to be told twice. He rushed over, pulled out the third chair and sat down.

"You did what I asked you to, right?"

"Yep. Sam Winchester's got his soul back, and that Adam kid is with his Mommy."

"Okay, then," Michael/Dean nodded at the waiter. Dishes were uncovered. Dinner was served. "Dude, you can stay for the dinner, and you can watch the show. After that? You gotta go."

"Fair enough. What's the show?"

Michael/Dean smirked. He glanced at the two archangels. "This."

A flash of light, and two tall dark-haired men wearing tan trenchcoats appeared on the other side of the shield.

Gabriel's mouth dropped open. "Castiel?"

"Yep." Michael/Dean glanced down at his plate of roasted sea scallops with white asparagus, pink grapefruit, and sea urchin. It was perfect. He picked up a fork just as Gabriel leaned forward.

"Mike, what's going on? I thought Dean liked Castiel?"

"Not in our 'verse. The other one is from _this_ 'verse. He beat his Dean to a bloody pulp. I figure he needs to know how that feels."

"Oh."

Canon Michael and Lucifer perked right up. Both Castiels backed away from them.

"I do not understand this-" the first Castiel yelped. He turned towards the dinner table, pressed his face and hands hard against thin air, but he couldn't push through the shield. He was jerked backwards as Canon Michael grabbed his coat collar from behind and spun him around.

Canon Michael smiled wolfishly. "Hello, assbutt. You Molotov'd me, remember?"

Castiel backed up against the shield. "I - I did, but it was-it was necessary-"

"Oh, yeah?" Lucifer snarled. "Nobody dicks with my brother but me." He fisted the other Castiel's shirt front, and grinned at his brother. "This is nice. We each have one. I like this."

Dark Phoenix leaned forward and kissed Michael/Dean on the cheek. "Darling, you have outdone yourself this time."

Michael blushed a little. "Anything for you, babe."

Both Castiels screamed, loud and long, at the exact same time. "AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH-"

Gabriel grinned a little as he cut into his steak. "Yep, that'll leave a mark."

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><p><strong><em>AN to all of Castiel's minions:_** Now before you review with a flame or PM me with the same, save yourself the trouble, and don't bother. I'll just laugh and ignore you. This is an AU, remember? Not canon.

Repeat after me: This is an AU.

On the show Michael obviously never used Dean as an angel condom, and did Dark Phoenix ever show up as Big Mike's girlfriend? Nope.

Anyway, I figure in all the possible SPN 'verses out there, there had to be one in which Dean_ doesn't_ like Castiel.


End file.
